It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. Thats not the point. It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. During the pandemic,. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. 3 Beds. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. This is the time when you should travel, engage in hobbies, chill out, or do whatever the heck your heart desires as you enter the latter stages of life. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. So why doesnt that include getting help for his anger and behavioral issues? If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. Uh, No Thanks. I cant and wont live their lives for them, but they are my children, and I cant stand idly by while they live in a situation that I truly believe is hazardous to their health and which given his background and her struggles they seem unable to address. Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. Its college-selecting time for my 18-year-old. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. I think you do have to get back into therapy. We met, got married, and live in her hometown. My dad and my stepmother had two more kids. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. Dear Care and Feeding, I am intimately familiar with trying to replace she doesnt want to talk to me with shes busy, and I learned a long time agolong before I had a grown-up daughter, back when I was the grown-up daughter and my father wouldnt think twice about sending me the sort of link (if hed known how to send a link) you sent your kidthat if you want to have a good relationship with adult children, you should assume competency and never offer advice unless asked for it. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. Dear Care and. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. She took the baby and left the room to feed him. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. That certainly applies here. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. It Didnt Go As Planned. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. One is a state college 30 minutes away. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. They have insurance so the basement restoration will happen. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. And you didnt do that. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. And if she does mean what shes saying, I want to be able to help her. Youre not raising him with unrealistic or sexist views about love if you dont discourage him in his adoration of Kaylie. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. Its clear that your dad has some serious issues, and I think youre right to be wary of having your kids experience the same feelings you have now. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. She is an adult. She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I have two beautiful daughters. Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. Now I usually say, Thanks! And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. I am currently 23. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. 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